Discussing Death With Your Child

Dying is something that everyone does, but somehow we hardly discuss at all. There is a fear of the unknown and of the hurt that will be left when someone dies. It’s simpler to not touch those discussions, and simply hope that nothing bad will happen to ourselves as a parent or anyone else in our family that we don’t expect to pass away. Unfortunately, that’s now how life always plays out.

The chances of you dying early aren’t super high in general. There’s always that possibility, and depending on your health and background those percentages may be higher. But in general, you’ll most likely be able to live to see your child grow up and move out of the house to become an adult. However, you need to prepare for the chance that you don’t make it to that day as well as there’s always a possibility.

If your child is not introduced to death by experience (perhaps a grandparent or other relative passes away), then they will definitely be introduced to the concept in movies and TV shows. Movies tend to rely on death as a major point in their plot pretty often as it’s an easy way for them to move a story along. As your kids grow older, they will start to internalize and probably worry about death.

Every child is different - for some kids, the idea of death isn’t overly scary. They may joke about death and pretend it’s something that’s not real. This likely means that they don’t actually understand what death truly entails. On the other hand, your child may become scared about you dying and they may start to have some very emotional reactions to such a possibility. In either case, you need to discuss the subject with your child.

First off, make sure your child knows that you’re not planning on dying soon - you’re not at risk of dying and that you’re planning to be around for a long time. However, you also need to make sure that they understand that life is unpredictable at times and there are things that you can’t control. You do your very best to stay safe (i.e. wearing seat belts in the car), but you can’t control other people’s actions.

Teach them that they will always be taken care of no matter what happens to you - you’re planning to be there, but they will always have someone to love them. Make sure that you’ve set up and figured out who would take your children in the case of your untimely death as well. Your child is scared of losing you, but also of the unknown. Make sure that you have the unknown figured out as much as possible.

This is likely not a one time conversation. Your child will likely continue to be worried and scared about the possibility of losing you for quite some time. It’s an understandable concern and worry, so do everything you can to help calm their nerves and comfort them as they worry about it. Simply imagine yourself in their place and you should be able to understand why it’s so worrisome to potentially not have you around.

Do not fear the discussion of death. Death can be scary for both you and your child, but ignoring it completely is a poor long term strategy. Do your best to comfort and help reassure your child that things will work out as they should no matter what happens.